


Just Because You Don't Have It (Doesn't Mean You Don't Want It)

by yalltookmyusernameideas



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Human AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhappy Ending, allusions to unsupportive family, intrusve thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:59:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23204314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yalltookmyusernameideas/pseuds/yalltookmyusernameideas
Summary: Just because Remus didn’t have it didn’t mean he didn’t want it.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	Just Because You Don't Have It (Doesn't Mean You Don't Want It)

Just because Remus didn’t have it didn’t mean he didn’t want it. 

Now, this could apply to a lot of things. A car, a game, a favorite pizza topping. A date, an ability, a social status. 

Remus didn’t have a lot of those things, not that he wanted them. No, what Remus wanted was far more serious. Far more permanent. 

Remus wanted death. 

Remus wanted death, he could admit that to himself. He could admit it online and in his stories, he could admit it over text to his friends and in writing in his diary. Remus wanted death.

But out loud? Remus could never. 

Saying it felt final. Saying it felt like too much. Saying it felt like he was broken and unfixable and over dramatic and just a little too much. Saying it felt bad. Taboo.  _ Cliché _ . 

And, he thought,  _ isn’t that sad? I can’t honestly articulate my feelings without feeling like an angsty teen protag.  _

Because Remus wasn’t one you expected to want death. Remus smiles. He had a spark, a strange but not altogether unsettling light in his eyes. He had an energy that drew people to him and good grades on assignments that were  _ technically _ completed to the letter of the assignment. 

But Remus wanted death. Remus wanted so badly to not be where he was, to not have to go through the daily motions, to just be  _ done _ . But Remus couldn’t do that. Death felt too generous of an ending for him. Too quick. Too easy. A flash, then he was gone. 

Remus wanted death. And he knew it was selfish. He knew he was only thinking of himself when he thought those thoughts. He knew it was a self centered, impersonal, shitty thing to think. Remus knew this. It didn’t stop his thoughts. 

Remus’ family eventually found out. They yelled, frantically trying to tell him that this wasn’t how it worked, he shouldn’t feel this way, he shouldn’t say these things unless he  _ meant it. _ Well,  _ how ironic _ , Remus though. Maybe he really was just an angsty teen protag. 

Remus didn’t worry. Because while he may have wanted it, it never felt right. It didn’t feel right, like it wasn’t his right. He didn’t have the freedom to choose death. No matter how hard he might try, he just… couldn’t. 

Remus may have wanted death, but he wasn’t worried. He knew he’d never let himself have it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, your feedback is appreciated!!


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